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Episode 14/Transcript
Desmond: No! No! You go back into the toilet, demon poop! Back to where you came from! You stay away from me and you stay away from the children! Trisha: Hello, Desmond. Desmond: Oh hello Trisha. Trisha: Were you, um... were you just yelling at your poop? Desmond: No, no, Trisha, I wasn't yelling at my poop, I was yelling at the poop that the girls leave in the toilets. They never flush. Trisha: (quietly) I... I thought these were automatic. Desmond: And people be leaving these all over the goddamn floor! Trisha: Wait, people are leaving iPod shuffles on the bathroom floor? Why haven't I heard about this? Desmond: Child, it's not an iPod shuffle. It's a positive pregnancy test. Some girl is having a baby. Trisha: Oh, right! Wait, what? What? Oh, no, no, no... (Trisha leaves with the pregnancy test) Desmond: Hey, hey hey, don't—somebody peed on that stick, child! It's not the least bit clean! Alright, poop, it's just you and me. Let's dance. (Brittnay is talking to a boy in the hallway) Boy: I mean, it was good, it wasn't great. Brittnay: Hey Trisha. (Trisha punches Brittnay in the stomach) Brittnay: What the fuck? Trisha: You are one of my very best friends. And I cannot stand by and watch you throw away your life like this. You're too young. You're too beautiful. Brittnay: What the fuck are you talking about? Trisha: I'm talking about the baby that's growing inside of your belly right now. Boy: See ya! (leaves) Brittnay: I'm not pregnant. Trisha: Well, not after that punch you're not. I've been taking muay thai classes. Brittnay: I was never pregnant, Trisha! Trisha: Are... you sure? Brittnay: Yes I'm fucking sure! Mackenzie: I'm sorry, but why the fuck is everybody yelling over here? Trisha: Oh, I found this positive pregnancy test and— (Mackenzie punches Brittnay in the stomach) Brittnay: Aw motherfucker! Mackenzie: I know that we have had our differences in the past. But I cannot stand idly by and let you ruin the cheer squad's chances at nationals. And we will never get there with you rocking a fetus fannypack. Brittnay: I'm not... pregnant... Mackenzie: Oh, well I just assumed— Trisha: Well yeah it does make the most sense. Brittnay: No, it doesn't make any sense. I have told you guys repeatedly that I am saving my vag-inity for someone special. I have standards! Trisha: Wow, so noble. Mackenzie: Alright, well now that we've established it's not Brittnay and her back-door butthole standards... Trisha? Trisha: My boyfriend doesn't have a penis or testicles. Mackenzie: Right. And it can't be me because I'm halfway through shark week. (Brittnay and Trisha look at each other) Yeah, I know what you call my period when I'm not around. So that means somebody else is pregnant. So let's go find out who it is— Trisha: And congratulate them! Mackenzie: No, mock them, ridicule them, and tell everyone in school. This is high school, not an episode of fucking Lizzie McGuire. (Mackenzie, Trisha, and Brittnay walk over to Deandra) Mackenzie: Hey Deandra. Deandra: Yeah, what's up? Brittnay: What the fuck! Mackenzie: Holy shit! Trisha: Awesome! Deandra: What? Brittnay: You have arms. Deandra: So do you, you want a fucking medal? Trisha: Wait, didn't we rip her arms off? Deandra: Oh, you mean my new prosthetics? Yeah I just got these today. Brittnay: Okay. But why the fuck do you have two different kinds of prosthetics? Deandra: Oh, well, that's kind of a long story. (Deandra is shown in a flashback) Deandra: The one that looks human. No. Robotic! No. Human. No. Robotic. No. Both! Brittnay: Oh, well that sounds like a perfectly rational decision. Mackenzie: So tell me, Deandra, are you pregnant? Trisha: Oh my God! Is it gonna be like, like a little robot baby. Is it gonna be a roomba? Deandra: Fuck no, I'm not pregnant. I haven't had a lot of time for dating lately. I don't know if you know this, but most guys don't want to fuck a girl with no arms. And the guys that do... are very strange. Mackenzie: Well, if it not's you, then—oh, oh, Jesus fucking yellow penguins, yes! Come on girls! (Trisha, Mackenzie, and Brittnay walk over to Shay and Saison) Mackenzie: Oh hello, Gay Van Buren. (Shay goes over and punches Brittnay in the stomach) Brittnay: Goddammit! For the last time, I am not pregnant! Shay: Oh, I know. My sister said to give that to you. And my other sister said to give this to you. Trisha: Oh, The Cat in the Hat Comes Back. I've heard really good things about this! Mackenzie: Oh Shay! I heard the good news! Congratulations! Brittnay: I couldn't think of a better person to get fat than you! Saison: Oh good afternoon Brittnay! Brittnay: Oh and a good fuck yourself to you Saison Margeurite! Shay: What the fuck are you bitches babbling about? What good news? Mackenzie: Um, the news that the Van Burens are about to add another pup to their litter. Trisha: (talking to Shay's stomach) You're so lucky! It's like being born into royalty! Shay: Wait, what are you saying, that I'm pregnant? Mackenzie: I wouldn't so much say pregnant as much as carrying what I can only assume is the demon spawn of Satan inside your stomach. Shay: But that is specifically what you are asking me, right? Because I am not! Mackenzie: What? Trisha: Well then, whose pee have I been carrying around on this stick all day? (Blaine walks over) Blaine: Hey Saison, do you think our baby's going to come out French or American? No, no, never mind I asked. I wanna be surprised. Mackenzie: Wait, Saison, you're pregnant? Brittnay: Ha! Saison: Oui, it is true! I am carrying Blaine's baby. So it is my pee that you hold upon your stick, Trisha. Mackenzie: Uh, yeah, Trisha, put that thing away! Trisha: I—I... sorry. Brittnay: (cackles) You're fucking pregnant? Ha, that's hysterical! Oh, and you. (cackles) You're a fucking idiot. You wear fucking footie pajamas you stupid idiot. Blaine: My feet get cold! Brittnay: Shut the fuck up! Saison: He has cold feet. Brittnay: I love it! You can't even speak English, you're a fucking retard. (cackles) God, it's me Brittnay. I know I said I was an atheist. I was wrong. So wrong. But I am back, and I am all yours. Do with me what you want. Thank you, Saison. Thank you so fucking much. This is the best day of my life. I'm going shopping! (cackles) Saison: You are welcome, Brittnay. There is no greater honor than being able to carry the, how do you say, baby, of the man you love. Brittnay: Are you fucking serious! We all just said "baby" like ten times. You even just said the word "baby". So don't fucking act like you don't know how to say baby, you pregnant Canadian bitch! Saison: Okay. Shay: Biye! Mackenzie: (holding Brittnay back) It's not worth it, Brit. Back off! Trisha: Yeah, I forget how to say baby, like, all the time.